Teaching Kids How to Deal with Bullies at Play

by Dr. Amanda Gummer | View Bio

Dr. Amanda Gummer

Dr. Amanda Gummer has over 20 years experience working with children and families. Widely considered as THE go to expert on play, toys and child development, Amanda combines her theoretical knowledge with a refreshingly pragmatic approach to family life, that resonates both with parents and professionals.

Her book ‘Play’ was published in May 2105 and has already been translated into two different languages.

Amanda is regularly in the media, and continues to take an active role in research. She is often involved in government policy around children’s issues, rand is a member of two All Party Parliamentary Groups.

Amanda ran the research consultancy FUNdamentals for 10 years before combining that with the Good Toy Guide, and the Good App Guide to create Fundamentally Children, the UK’s leading source of expert, independent advice on child development and play, supporting children’s industries with research, insight and endorsement.

Bullying is unfortunately very common in schools, with more than one in five 12 to 18-year-olds in the US saying they have been bullied. Children with behavioral and emotional disorders, and those with autism, are more likely to be victims of bullying, with over a third of these children affected.

We can discourage bullying behavior, such as teasing, spreading rumors, and hitting or kicking, by helping children develop social and emotional skills from an early age. It’s important that children are accepted for who they are as individuals and feel valued, so they don’t feel the need to bully others. Helping children develop pro-social skills, such as developing empathy and tolerance/respect of other people's differences, are key for fostering a positive attitude towards others.

Playing is crucial for development and can be a valuable tool for teaching pro-social skills. In addressing the issue of bullying, there are several considerations. First, prevention is better than a cure, so developing key skills from an early age can reduce the chance that a child will be a bully, or a victim of bullying. Second, dealing with bullies can be difficult and can have a lasting impact on children. This is minimized if they have developed resilience and are able to correctly identify the bullying behavior as the bully’s issue and not their own fault.

Here are a few ways that play can be used to deal with bullies:

Giving children the chance to lead their own play activities means they can develop important social skills. Lots of negotiation goes on during playtime, as children decide on roles and learn to share toys fairly.

If adults take a step back from this it gives children a chance to solve their own conflicts during play. They can learn the consequences of not treating others nicely, develop resilience to handle their emotions when things don’t go their way, and discover how to stand up to other children when they need to.

Rough and tumble play can sometimes be confused with physical fighting, but in this type of play children do not intend to hurt one another. It can be a bit worrying as a parent, but children are much better at assessing risks than we might give them credit for.

Through rough and tumble play children discover what their own limits are, and the limits of others, helping them develop empathy. They also learn how to react when their limits are broken— for example, if their friend hits them too hard—and how others might reinforce their own boundaries.

Role play is an excellent way to practice scenarios and learn how to cope with them, as children can see things from another’s point of view. It can be used to rehearse how one might react to a bully, developing children’s confidence for real situations. Or, it could be used to show a bully how they might be making others feel with their behavior.

Children also use small world play to process scenarios by themselves, so providing props for this can give them the opportunity to play in this way. Animal figures are good as they allow children to create a story that is relevant to them—such as being bullied—while being able to distance themselves more than they perhaps would with human characters. Familiar TV and film character figures that represent strong, assertive personalities, such as superheroes, can also give children aspirational characters to include in their imaginative play.

So that children can learn to respect others and appreciate themselves for who they are, it’s key to have diversity in their play. This includes having toys that positively represent different cultures, disabilities, and ethnicities. These give children toys they can relate to, giving them a sense of belonging, as well as providing an opportunity to talk about people’s differences.

Parents are their child’s biggest role models, so it’s also important for you to model a good attitude towards those who are different. This includes encouraging your child to mix with children from different backgrounds and being inviting a child with additional needs over for a playdate.

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