How to Help Children Win Even When They Lose

by Tyler Kearns View Bio

Tyler Kearns

Tyler Kearns has been the Program Coordinator for The Clayton School District's Kid Zone Before/After school program in Clayton MO. for eleven years. Tyler is a Genius of Play Ambassador with the National Afterschool Association and sits on the Afterschool Leadership Team with the Missouri Afterschool Network. Along with his out of school time credits, Tyler works to develop youth as a martial arts school owner and instructor. Above all, Tyler is a parent of two children who he enjoys playing together, discovering with, and learning from every day.

Why do we feel the need to protect children from losing? As an educator, coach, and parent I see it more and more. To avoid hurting our children’s feelings, we play games where no one “gets out” and everyone wins, we give awards simply for participation, or we often bend rules and offer shortcuts.

Through my work in out of school time programming and martial arts coaching I see more and more kids struggle when they don’t win or get an award for doing something they tried to do.

Children whose skills are not challenged or who always win, begin to...

• not try as hard at practice
• have difficulty responding to their emotions and actions when they do lose
• always expect to win or receive a reward for everything they do
• move away from trying new games or activities if they know they won’t win

While participation awards just fill shelves, teaching children how to learn from losing will have lifelong benefit. Here are a few strategies to try when playing together, to help children navigate winning and losing.

• Anticipate their Emotions
  Before you start to play, you could say something like, “We’re about to play a game where someone is going to win, and someone is going to lose. When I lose, I get really upset.” Telling your child that this is a behavior you also struggle with may help them realize that their feelings are common and normal.
• If they’re playing games with other kids, over time they will become more aware of the way their behavior affects their peers. Children start understanding that if they have a meltdown during a game, other kids are going to look at them funny, and may not want to play with them anymore.

• Make it a Challenge
  When playing games with your children give them a challenge. Don’t always go easy and let them win. Play kids at their level and on occasion play them at a higher level to challenge them. This allows for them to earn the win and keep the positive experience and reinforcement. When you win you can help your child learn to manage and guide their emotions and reactions, so they are better prepared when you are not there. This will also lead to teaching sportsmanship through modeling the appropriate actions win or lose.

• Reflect on Mistakes
  Mistakes happen and we all make them. Playing games is the perfect opportunity for kids to make mistakes that may result in a loss. Take time after the emotions have settled to look back at what happened and start problem solving and strategizing how they can do better next time. Within this there is also the opportunity for you as the adult to tell your mistakes and how you plan to learn from them.

• Focus on the outcome not the “W”
  When your child is playing, don’t focus just on the win or the loss, look at the big picture. What did the child do well, what did they improve on from the last game, did they have fun and enjoy their time playing, and did they do the best they could for that day? Remind them (and you) before the game it’s the experience they have not what happens at the end. Within this you can also play without keeping score or who wins. Play just for the experience, practice, and skill building the game brings. This will help take the pressure and anxiety of always needing to win and allow space for fun to be had.

Of course, we want our children to succeed, but when they lose, help flip the “loser” mindset. “Yes, losing is hard but it’s ok, you can learn from it, and you can become better”. Learning from a loss will help children build skills they will need many times throughout their future and can all start with the fun of playing games.

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