Alicia and the Big, Brilliant Heart

Having a big heart is like a magnifying glass. It turns the good into great, the pretty into beautiful, and the simple into sublime. But it can also make the sad things sadder, the hard things harder, and the lonely things lonelier. Luckily, playing provides a healthy way to process those big, complicated emotions at any age. In this episode of “Once Upon A Playtime,” we’ll learn how actress, author, and activist Alicia Silverstone rediscovered the true meaning of play when she became a mom, and why “playing pretend” is crucial for healthy child development.

“It's probably not very different to who I am now in terms of being a happy person who has a lot of joy about the world and passion, but also really intense. And that comes with an intensity or sadness. But I think somehow I manage to be both at the same time.”

Narrator:

Welcome to "Once Upon a Playtime", a podcast from The Genius of Play for parents and their kids about the serious importance of having fun. Today's story is “Alicia and the Big, Brilliant Heart”, a true tale about how play can help kids and grown-ups alike express their emotions in a healthy way. Our guest today is a mother and author and an activist, but she's probably most famous for her work as an actress. Listen to her voice and see if you can guess who she is.

Alicia Silverstone:

I'm in a movie right now where I'm ... it's with Benicio del Toro and Justin Timberlake and Francis Fisher and Eric Begosian. And we had to do square dancing, and it's just about following directions. And it's like one, two, three, four, turn. Anyway, so it was really fun. And so I was giggling the entire time.

Narrator:

Have you guessed who it is or are you still clueless? That's right, our guest today is none other than Alicia Silverstone. While she's pretty famous, I bet there is something that you don't know about Alicia.

Alicia Silverstone:

When I was really little, I remember making mud pie sandwiches for friends, you know, like making little pies with mud and trying to get my friends to eat them.

Narrator:

Oh wait, that's not it, although I do love a good mud pie. What you might not have known about Alicia is she has a very big, very brilliant heart. And I'm not talking about the heart that pumps blood through your body, from the top of your head to the tip of your toes. I'm talking about the other heart, the heart where all your feelings come from. Happiness, love, anger, disgust, jealousy, joy.

Most of the time, Alicia loved having a big heart. It gave her all sorts of abilities, like the ability to feel what other people are feeling. That ability is called empathy. People usually think about empathy in terms of feeling sad when other people are sad, but it also means that you can feel happy when other people are happy.

Alicia Silverstone:

Well, I remember my mom used to read “Ballet Shoes” to me. It was her favorite book. I don't really remember the story; I just know how much she loved it. And that made me happy that she loved it.

Narrator:

When she started reading all by herself, Alicia's big heart would leap right into the book. Together, Alicia and her heart got lost in stories. But don't worry, getting lost isn't always a bad thing.

Alicia Silverstone:

I also remember driving in the country in England and reading books by VC Andrews, and being completely obsessed. And that was my first, you know, where you can't get enough of the book. That feeling, I was describing that to my son recently. That's the first time I remember being like voracious about it, that I couldn't stop, I had to get every single, they couldn't get into your body fast enough, that feeling. And I love that feeling, and it doesn't come often.

Narrator:

In fact, after all that reading, Alicia's imagination grew so strong that she could turn her books into toys and play with them any way she wanted.

Alicia Silverstone:

But I was just remembering when I was really little, making houses with books, taking all my books and making them into houses on the ground so that my Barbies could walk around the house or something.

Narrator:

When Alicia made a house out of books, she engaged with symbolic play. Have you ever pretended that a stick was a sword? Made a phone call on a banana, or imagined that a paper plate was the steering wheel of a car? Those are all examples of symbolic play, and it's how kids develop abstract thought. Symbolic play also builds the foundation for pretend play, or playing make-believe, and make-believe is really just another word for acting.

Alicia Silverstone:

When I was a little girl, I remember putting on shows for my dad and mom, and whoever's friends were over. And those were dance shows and they were whatever, you just make these routines up.

Narrator:

Alicia's big heart was like a magnifying glass. It turned good into great, pretty into beautiful, and simple into sublime. But it also made sad things sadder, hard things harder, and lonely things lonelier.

Alicia Silverstone:

I think that a lot of being a child was surviving, to be honest. And especially at 12, that was the worst year for me. 12 was really rough, junior high. I was sort of ostracized and I just felt really lonely.

Narrator:

Alicia's big heart filled with sadness, anger and pain, AKA the tween trifecta. Fortunately Alicia still knew how to play, and play empowers kids, even older ones, to express themselves and their emotions in a healthy way. People tend to think play is just for little kids, but tweens and teens need play just as much. They simply have a different way of playing. They play sports, they play music, and sometimes they can even play characters on stage.

Alicia Silverstone:

I think that when I was a child, acting was a form of therapy for me, and I became a theater nerd. Then I started these acting classes, these real ones, I remember doing a scene where a girl, two sisters are just like really angry at each other. And I could just connect so much to that pain and that anger. And that's the part that felt like therapy. You can take all of your emotions and your feelings and just shove it into this world that's not yours. And I found it really exciting.

Narrator:

Acting, like most forms of play, can help to process big emotions without ignoring them or letting them take over your life. Alicia got her first starring role when she was just 15 years old. Halfway through her teen years acting went from her playtime to her profession. And professional acting is not an easy job, as if!

Alicia Silverstone:

Absolutely. I mean, once I did become a part of this business, you just get punched in the face almost every day. I mean, it's just like all that stuff, it all builds resilience. So I would say I might be an expert in that, because there was a lot of it.

Narrator:

Alicia loved acting because it let her play. But the business side of the show business isn't playful at all. So how did Alicia and her big heart survive in an industry that can be rather heartless? Well, Alicia found someone else with a big heart to play with.

Alicia Silverstone:

You know, Jeff Goldblum taught me a lesson a long time ago. I had not auditioned in like 10 years, and I was going to be starting again. So I said to him, "I'm going to be doing some auditions and I'm scared." And he goes, "Why?" He's all about play, and Jeff said, "Oh my God, auditioning is like your chance to try on..." you know how he talks, everything's like this. And he said, "It's your opportunity to try on these things and see if it even fits on you."

He reminded me of, I love acting, so why wouldn't it be wonderful to just play every opportunity that I get? What am I going to do? And then figuring it out and playing with it and just throwing it up against the wall, like spaghetti. And it may be good, it may not be, it's okay. And it's fun.

Narrator:

Growing up can sometimes make us feel like we have to harden our hearts and stop playing. But in these slightly altered words of Dr. Ian Malcolm, play finds a way.

Alicia Silverstone:

If you've been punched in the face so much, you know, does it sting? Yeah. I've just had to learn that it doesn't matter, and it doesn't mean anything about me.

Narrator:

Alicia's big heart was now tough enough to carry a strong sense of self, which is a fancy way of saying that other people's opinions didn't matter as much as they used to. A strong sense of self also lets you know what you really want, and Alicia wanted to be a mom. She had wanted to be a mom for a long time.

Alicia Silverstone:

My mom said that when I was two years old, anytime I saw a child, a baby, I would say, "my baby", even though I was a baby. So I was really wanting to be a mom from the time I was two.

Narrator:

When she was 33 years old, Alicia had a baby boy. She named him Bear. And like Alicia, Bear had a big and brilliant heart.

Alicia Silverstone:

When I became Bear's mommy, I made a really deep promise to him that I was going to offer him a life where he could be exactly who he was, and for no one to mess with that. And I was going to protect that.

Narrator:

Alicia couldn't protect Bear with a shield, or a sword, or even a moat with a drawbridge. She needed a much stronger defense. So she decided to fill Bear's life with play.

Alicia Silverstone:

We have tons of dance parties. We jump rope together, we trampoline together, we swim together, we take walks with the dogs together.

Narrator:

Play can be just as fun for parents as it is for their kids. And to Alicia play is more than just dance parties, games and toys. Play means opening yourself up to finding the joy in every interaction.

Alicia Silverstone:

If we take a bath, we're playing. And I don't mean we're playing like playing with things. We are in play all the time with each other. We are in a state of presence and receiving each other, and appreciating each other, and respecting each other, and loving each other. And that is play.

Narrator:

Alicia also loves watching Bear play by himself and seeing both his heart and imagination grow.

Alicia Silverstone:

He would build things with his string and tape. One year for his birthday, I said everyone was allowed to bring him blueberries, string and tape. Because that was what he was obsessed with. Before I go there, I just want to say that what I've seen him create because of not having the stuff, is unbelievable. When he was really little, he built a sort of cage, box thing, that would ride up and down the staircase. And, I mean, up and down the railing, and it was so engineered.

Narrator:

Alicia knows firsthand that a big heart also exposes you to sadness and pain, but she hopes that Bear never forgets the power that play can give him.

Alicia Silverstone:

My wish for him is that he will be so comfortable in his skin and that he will be so knowing who he is and what he wants, and what he needs. And that is who he is now. And I just hope it stays. He is extremely joyful and he sees play everywhere he goes. I don't know how that wouldn't just be in his bones.

Narrator:

When we talk about play, we emphasize the educational benefits, and there are a lot of those. Play helps with math skills, literacy, creative problem solving, but play also provides emotional benefits. For Alicia, play gave her a safe space to let her heart work through all those complicated emotions that are hard to figure out at any age. And as a grown-up, play helps Alicia thrive in her work and embrace the fun side of parenthood. So if you have a big heart, the best thing that you can do is play. Whether you like board games or tennis, painting or pottery, ice skating or jewelry making, find the thing that brings you joy and do it. Your heart will thank you.

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